Uncertainty

Uncertainty is undoubtedly my worst enemy. It keeps me from thinking straight. I wonder what the next moment holds for me... what should be done next.. will it work out.. The concept of probability is only good on paper. The fact that a mere concept should control each and every action of mine scares me no end.

Here i am towards the end of my post grad studies.. On paper im qualified to take the best decisions in the face of changes and fluctuations... On paper im supposed to conquer shine bright in the face of uncertainty... really??

Deep within theres this raging conflict.. is this what i wanted? Is this really what i want to be doing after 10 years? Will i be happy? Will i be doing justice to my education? Is it all good?

The more i think about these questions, the more dimensions i find, and the more there is left to think about... and with thought comes paranoia. At times i wonder if there is really no way to get rid of the uncertainty... i mean REALLY!!! there must be some where out there...

The fact that my friends seem to contradict in their opinions only makes the uncertain seem more hazy... Each contradiction seems to have a valid argument ...

Im afraid all this thought will still get me nowhere!!

Sunrise!!!!

The little drops of dew shone like crystals strewn in an expanse of green... the fresh green... full of life... The blades of grass seemed to speak to each other in chirpy tones... I felt guilty as i walked across the fields... guilty that i may be inflicting pain on a life condemned to silent speech...

The little stream meandered through the green slowly like an endless silvery orange serpent.. The rising sun draped the stream in robes of orange... The crimson of dawn diffused into the black of the night... The otherwise furious sun seemed so calm and harmless...

The wind whistled across the little stunted trees... The leaves rustled gently as if to acknowledge the coldness of the western wind...

The occasional chirping of the birds interrupted the silence of the dark... The black slowly faded into light.. orange and then to white... so slowly... yet so surely...

So strong are the ways of nature... so compelling are its forms... the most sublime thoughts are lent a shape!!!

If only Adam hadn't eaten the forbidden fruit!!!!

Kill or be killed!!

My eyes dilate..brows wrinkle.. Thoughts rush through a confused mind. My ears feel cold with little droplets trickling down the sides.. A steely resolve grips my heart.. The desire to break out of myself manifests itself in an urge to challenge the sturdy hands that supress my identity.. A dry tongue lends voice to the screams of my heart.. "I can't wait to be free"

The long years of pain and suppression have chained me to the ground.. groveling on the murky mire waiting for the sands to cover the mortal mess. Not no more!! The hardened heart waits no more!! The weakened body holds no more!!

My frail hands clutch the steel. "Will there be light??", " Is this the chosen moment?"
Staggering to my feet, I hold aloft the silvery streak.. The arms feel a strength they haven't felt before. My legs suddenly seem sturdy.. The diffused thoughts give way to a clear resolve.. Aa resolve to fight.. Of blood and gore i fear no more..

The chains cannot keep me down no more... The decision is made.. "Kill or be killed"
Oh yes... the sun shines bright...

To Daffy!!!!

Daffy!!!! He was the BEST DOGGIE in the world!!!! The naughtiest, friendliest and most lovable doggie ever!!!! He was my bestest friend ever!!! I could sit with him for hours. While I would go on and on with my stories, he would look at me, nod his head and shake his tail… as if to say “been there done that buddy!!” He was a soopa doggie!! He could read my mind. When I was low, he would rub his furry back against my leg and look at me as if to ask me what was my story. When I was happy he would jump about with me!!!

Daffy!!! We all miss you!!! If somehow you do manage to read this, WE LOVE YOU!!! You may have left us behind… but you will always remain close to us!!!

May your soul rest in peace.

From Idlis to the IIMs

Very inspiring article!!!!
Amazing how people overcome adversity by staring it in face!!!
check it out for yourself!!!!
just in case ur unable to read it from the pic thats attached, an excerpt of the interview in text form is included:

From the slums of Chennai to the hallowed precincts of IIM-A, you are among the select few who realised their dreams...

I always dreamt of earning enough one day to take my mother away from the one room hut we stayed in, to a life of comfort.

I have had a tough childhood and until I joined BITS-Pilani for my graduation, I thought everybody had a similar life.

I was just six when my father left us to face starvation. With a meagre salary of Rs 30, which she earned through a job, she managed to educate me and my siblings.

To make ends meet, she would make idlis and I would sell them on the streets.

But after all this, you refused a job offer of Rs 8.5 lakh per annum?

It would have been very easy to take up a corporate job and give my family all the comforts they have never had. But that's not my ambition.

I'd rather have my own company and employ one person who can support four other lives. That is why I have decided to begin my catering business.

Why only catering?

Serving someone food is an extremely satisfying feeling. The smile that you get after giving good food to someone is
an experience to cherish. Moreover, this industry has less investment and a high turn-over. For the time being though, I am working hard to negotiate offers I have received from different companies and individuals.

And how is life otherwise?

I love bikes and cars... and yes, I do have a girlfriend who's very supportive

PS: source courtesy ToI!!!

The Fast lane

I was browsing through the net when I came across this amazing pic…
The old man standing by and clapping moved me so much that I decided that the pic deserved a place on my blog.
What was the old man thinking?? Did the musician care??? Were the others so caught up with their chores that they failed to notice the musician??? Did the ol’ fella find time only past his prime to appreciate the little things that made him so happy? Do we have something to learn??
Isn’t it strange how little things in life make you stop and think. We are all so ambitious… We all want to become Warren Buffet and Bill Gates… And we will do anything to get there… we get so involved that we fail to notice the little things that make us smile… the little red flower adding colour to the garden… the naughty kid smiling after being upto mischief…
I sat back and wondered whether I was on the right track… I was running so hard in this mad race … did I even care to notice the things around me… I have cribbed so many times about little things … have I cared to see the bigger picture…
Well I will leave you with the picture and to your introspections.


This picture is courtesy Miss. Anupa Sarah Mohan. Many Thanks and peace!!!

post-CAT Introspection

CAT 2003 came... its went right past...
ah... my bones were broken... how could i possibly have done well... *sympathy sympathy*
CAT 2004 came.. it whooshed right past...
er... well i hadnt prepared... well how could you have cleared CAT without preps...

CAT 2005.. YEAH I KNOW IT FRIGGIN SPED PAST ME AND I WAS CAUGHT STARING...

Good god!!! what does it take to get past this goddam hurdle ... man!!! im at my wits end now...
I mean how much can a human being falsely console himself and fake excuses...
I mean i dint have any broken bones this time round... now was i unprepared... but yes the CAT
friggin slipped outta my hands yet again... the only solace... i came close... but yeah BIG DIFFERENCE!!!

Coming to think of it... I think i did fairly ok... much better than my previous attempts (ah.. more consolation)
but i think my best was just not good enough.
Well im keeping my fingers crossed about my chances with the non IIMs but i guess the gates of the IIMs are well and truly shut fo me...

Im kinda getting to terms with the fact that a year of studies has come to nought... While the enormity fo the situation sinks in I guess its time for some
SWOT analysis...

Well what from here on??? Frankly DONNO!!!
circles i say!!! CIRCLES!!!

Purpose??? whats that

I was just wondering about how much we all know about the purpose of our existance… Am I the only one or is everyone around me about as unclear… What am I here on earth for??? What am I supposed to be doing?? Is what I am doing actually done towards doing what I am supposed to do??? Phew!!! Are we really guided by a super power??? Is there a meaning to fate lines and weird charts?? Well I do not know… Are we really the “masters of our destiny” or is it that our destinies are written for us even before we enter this world…
After the accident in December 2003, while I was lying down in the hospital with four broken bones I was wondering why I wore my helmet on that day.. I generally did not wear a helmet but on that day it seemed to come naturally to me to wear one… If I hadn’t there was no way I could have escaped… Is it merely a coincidence??? Does that mean that my purpose for existence is still not satisfied???
I was trying to figure out the funda behind my purpose and it just got weirder by the minute… According to a friend of mine, we live because we have a purpose. This statement kinda perplexed me no end… Does that mean that when a person dies his purpose is fulfilled?? Its ironical that a man should never know what he is living for until he is alive no more… Does a man realize what his purpose his living was after his death??? Well no one knows… I was wondering if a man knows his purpose the moment before his death… the whole concept of purpose becomes more absurd when u wonder if there is a purpose in the first place… If there is then how would you explain the death of a baby before it sees the world…
Well I do not know the answers… But I do know its time to sleep… Good night people…

hold on

I just happened to watch the video of this song called "Hold on" by "Good Charlotte". By the time they had finished, I was pretty disturbed.. The song is an anti suicide song written in response to all the kids who wrote letters to the band about how bad their lives had been and how they felt about living a hopeless life.The video shows fathers,mothers,brothers,sisters,friends talking about the dear ones they had lost.. I was particularly touched by an old man saying " This not the order of nature.. parents dont bury their children .. children bury their parents...". There also is a girl who says that she is happy to be still living...


This world, This world is cold
But you don't, you dont have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
Your mothers gone and your father hits you
This pain you can not bare

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know

Your days, you say they're way too long,
And your nights, you can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you dont want to no more
You're not sure what you're looking for
But you dont want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching its not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...what are you waiting for?

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching its not over

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Hold on


I was really touched by this song ... I mean there were so many moments when I thought that life was just not worth living.. So many moments when I thought that I wasnt good enough for this world... So many times when I got so close to the edge..
There were times when i felt that there's nothing to do but just give up and cave in.It felt like my life was not heading where it was supposed to be ... I felt like a loser and the future didnt seem like it held too much promise for me either... Looking back now I thank my stars I didnt give up... I know how close I came to the edge and I know how bad things could have gotten. It might have seemed like THE answer then but I know now that it wasnt...
Thinking about those times kinds shakes me up but I know that I would'nt have been as strong as I am had I not been faced with those hard choices.. I KNOW that I was not dastardly .. I know that there is a purpose... and most importantly I KNOW that there are the special people who really care...

Answers????

Yesterday my cousin passed away. He was the liveliest of all my cousins… and I still cant believe that he is no more. Some say that it was stress at work while others say that it was a freak accident.Whatever it was,we will all miss this man who always brought a smile on our faces.
He was true to his name ,Joy, ever smiling and armed with a repertoire of underworld jokes... I miss him sorely. Even as I sat at the funeral service, many tens of people: friends, relatives and colleagues walked up and testified the glowing influence Joy had on them.I was wondering what an influence this man had on me... He taught me that life isn’t that bad... that it is NEVER bad enough to stop smiling... He may have joked and smiled away everything but deep inside he was as determined as ever, yet not stubborn... He would not let anyone control his life… He was the master of his life. He taught me how to live life to the fullest.
Even at the grave I was hoping that this was all one big joke … that he would rise up and laugh that hearty laugh which all of us admired…. But it was for real… I lost one of my closest friends and beloved cousin.
After everyone had left, I stood there and wondered, "what next???". Is this the end for Joy??? Or is it the beginning of a new life? Is there anything at all after this??? Does he even know that we miss him so sorely??? I hoped for a sign... but nothing was there... is there life after death??? Is there a meaning to death???
If He is all controlling, then why would he deprive a young life that He created, of the joys of a long and happy life??? I wonder now what our purpose on earth is. Was his purpose fulfilled that he had to die?? What is my purpose ??? Am I actually working towards my purpose??? Does anyone know the answers???

How many roads must a man walk down,
before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove fly,
before she sleeps in the sand?
And how many times must a cannon ball fly,
before they're forever banned?

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,
the answer is blowing in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist,
before it is washed to the sea?
How many years can some people exist,
before they're allowed to be free?
And how many times can a man turn his head,
and pretend that he just doesn't see?

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,
the answer is blowing in the wind.

How many times must a man look up,
before he sees the sky ?
And how many ears must one man have,
before he can hear people cry ?
And how many deaths will it take till we know,
that too many people have died?

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,
the answer is blowing in the wind.

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind,
the answer is blowing in the wind.
-Bob Dylan.

Dream on!!!! It wont change a thing!!!!!

Everything is so bloody cosy in feigned reality … Its not even half as harsh… everything u want to own is up for grabs. Everything that happens is a choice we’ve made… and something we look forward to...

Reality is a bitch!!! Consider this… The woman of your dreams politely tells you that you aren't the one for her… but that you're a wonderful person… you are not just depressed... you're hurt where it hurts the most.. the lil son of an ego takes a bashing!!!

More alcohol???? Deep inside you know that this is not gonna change reality… it still will remain that you are a loser… You have just lost the girl who was the source of your inspiration… After all she was the one who carved the niche you tried to fit in… Now that you weren't even close… you feel like theres nothing left on this world which will be a motivation… nothing else to look forward to…

“will there ever be someone in my life who will match this babe… will there ever be someone who will be able to command respect and love like this sweet dame…”

That’s when I decided its time that reality neednt control me… I live my life the way I want to… I may not be the one for her… yet she could be the one for me… this belief makes me believe that im happy with her … I spend all my time with her… I assume that she loves me as much … This is what I feel… that I can live in a world of dreams… of lions and princesses … shunning reality… hoping that the dreams wont come crashing down… If nothing im happy … Shes what i want to live for... shes mine in my dreams... I dream on!!!